DirtySurfaceWarning: Some Sexual Side Effects

Let's examine this a little bit.

"Using one's sexuality to get ahead" is a complicated idea. Is that supposed to be something only men do? :)
Your reputation needn't be at stake here. You want to get ahead in your work and you want to have a satisfying sexuality on your own terms. The two needn't be connected. If you don't bring the details of your sexuality into your workplace, there's not much opportunity or legal room for anyone else to bring it into your work either.

While we're on the topic of combining work with sex, it seems as if you're using "whore" to mean something opposite to "strong, independent, intelligent, & powerful". Writing, saying or thinking "whore" as shorthand for ideas like "submissive, undiscriminating, hypersexual" might have powerful positive resonances in connection with your fantasy life, but it's not helping you here. Please understand that I'm not critiquing the politics of your imagination. For sexual fantasy our hot-button words don't need to have the same meanings they have in the real world. For communication and for planning real-world action, shorthand works better when it's true.

Though the words and concepts we use to describe our desires privately don't always translate well to the real world, they can often give us clues about where to find solutions. Part of what works for many people is to look again at our fantasy roles, forgive them for being transgressive and welcome them into the wholeness of our lives. Forgiving your id doesn't mean giving it the driver's seat all the time. It might mean connecting the unseen capabilities of roles you play in fantasy with your other capabilities. I think that'd be what psychotherapists call "integration" and what the rest of us might call "growing up". :) In real life, "strong, independent, intelligent, & powerful" are exactly the terms to best describe any of the actual whores I know, and those are exactly the characteristics you'll need to remember you have in the sexual arena as you set up ways of getting the kind of play you want.

You see a dissonance between your public personae and some of the sexual roles you enjoy taking. I think that's true for most of us. I think it's also true that someone who's going to play a dog on stage isn't limited to barking when she's asking directions to the theater. I'm going to suggest you trust your imagination to go where it wants to once you've chosen the place and the people you want to involve and set the ground rules, but that you not confuse the role your imagination might take you to then with the person you actually need to be to set the scenes up.

Sounds like you're not just looking for group scenes, not just looking for public scenes, but looking for an opportunity let go some of your self-control while in those scenes and temporarily turn over some of your power to the people playing with you. I've got good news for you: having the experience of giving up control in a group sexual situation is totally possible and a whole lot of fun and it doesn't have to change your life in scary ways. I've done it, I've organized it for people of different genders and backgrounds, and I've watched it happen a lot.

Definitely there are risks associated with any new social behavior. It's still not as if there's a binary switch to pull somewhere where you choose between either "relative safety" or "hot sex". Neither is guaranteed so easily. Have you thought through the probable consequences of (for instance) attending the pansexual play parties held regularly quite near to you? (You're lucky to be in Vancouver, BC, Canada. Lots of options.)

There is the possibility that if you attend such a party you'll be ostracized forever by everyone, catch 32 sexually transmitted infections, be outed as a nasty pervert on the front page of the paper, be disowned by your family, be laughed at by teenagers on the street, be fired tomorrow and be hounded for the rest of your life by scary people in dark raincoats. Examine this list item by item. Breathe. Add a few more dramatic worst-case possibilities. How high are the risks of these things actually happening? Are there concrete things you could do to minimize each of those risks and still attend sex parties? Right.

A bit more realistically, there is the distinct possibility that some people who also attend an event will recognize you; perhaps be pleasantly surprised. Maybe you'll get a knowing smile, a warmer handshake; a quiet invite to New Year's parties you didn't know happened. Maybe you'll get to see them doing things you didn't know they did.

There is also the risk that at such an event you wouldn't have your sexual needs met without hard work & practice, any more than you would instantly have your sexual needs met in a monogamous marriage. You might have to say "No thanks" a couple of times. Maybe more. You might have to ask in clear, specific words for what you yourself want, and worse: you might be turned down when you ask.

I'm not being sarcastic or meaning to sound unsympathetic. Once/if one can get past the generalized panic with which some people would like us to view all sexual risk-taking, this last set of risks about work, practice and rejection seem the main ones underlying a lot of people's concerns about doing kink & public sex. They are legitimate fears, but they're about surmountable barriers that can yield to your efforts. Risks of violence, censure and gender-specific abuse are legitimate concerns too, but oppression thrives on unexamined fear. You might find that looking at concrete steps to minimize harassment (primarily choosing a consent-aware, mixed-gender venue where some experienced queer perverts are involved in the organizing) gets you more fun than writing off entire categories of behavior. Definitely some spaces will be comfier than others, definitely some will better soon your needs. Trust your nose, read the fine print, and remember that visiting a party doesn't commit you to anything more than being there.

So maybe you have some preparation and rehearsing to do by yourself or with a friend. When you've worked through the practical steps that address some of your fears and you've practiced "No thanks", "I don't know. What is that?" and "Yes please!", you're ready to grab yourself and/or that friend and go play.

As with any such step, you don't abandon your control over your body or your freedom by moving forward at your own pace. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, there is no binary either/or point in such a choice at which you stop being an autonomous agent. If anything, you may well have to accelerate your agency and choice-making to get what you want.

Pick a space that sounds friendly and overlaps with some of your interests. In many major North American cities it's easy to find a variety of venues and events offering public sex that cater to BDSM interests, couples-focused activity, etc. BDSM-focused events are most likely to place a high value on consent and communication. Some web searching will probably turn up reviews of past events and some tips about expected behavior, dress code, etc.

To return to the notion of safety, comfort and consent for a moment: I was at an incredibly well-organized Bay Area play party about a decade ago that had upwards of 300 people frolicking in one big, beautiful house. It was a regular event, with a coat check, monitors appointed to each area to encourage decent behaviour, and a variety of different areas allocated to different activities. In the midst of playing with my lover and my lover's lover, I noticed two guys with glazed expressions who were getting uninvitedly close too often to us and to other people, whacking off near to our faces and genitalia, feeling distinctly less connected than the other revelers. It felt invasive and rude. The monitors were busy elsewhere and there was suddenly a lot of consternation and noise about "somebody ought to do something". The first of us to actually do something was one woman (who looked to be in her late sixties, about 5 feet tall) who interrupted her play for a moment to stand up and ask them to point their willies elsewhere. The wankers wandered away, probably to get in the space of less assertive people.

When you're near-naked and vulnerable it doesn't take many impolite people to make a vibe uncomfortable. To put those wankers in perspective, I can't remember being at any other gathering that size ever (clothed or otherwise) where there were just two visibly rude people. The environment will never be perfect. When one arrives at near-perfect space there's still a need and a responsibility to protect one's own boundaries and those of one's neighbor where possible. Often it's possible to do that without entirely moving out of whatever role you're occupying for that moment, and as often you can surround yourself with people who will take some of the responsibility on while you're immersed in your scene.

For me, the closest to perfect in terms of play-party politeness and basic respect have been in very mixed spaces where one cannot assume the gender or preference of other guests and therefore people have to use their words to initiate conversations (however simple) in order to arrange or request contact. Your mileage may vary. Maybe I'll see you at a party next time I'm in town?